These Times

From the archives: The Sermon on the Mount, revisited

Kirk Ericson | May 22, 20250

I’m taking three weeks off — we’ll run reruns while I’m gone. This one was published in the Shelton-Mason County Journal on Feb. 8, 2024. Fresh, unfocused content returns May 29.

“But if Christ hadn’t delivered his Sermon on the Mount, with its message of mercy and pity, I wouldn’t want to be a human being. I’d just as soon be a rattlesnake.” — Kurt Vonnegut, “A Man Without a Country”

Imagine, if you will …

It’s circa 30 A.D. and Jesus Christ is making a name for himself. He’s atop a hill near the Sea of Galilee and a crowd has assembled to hear the carpenter speak. Among the gathered is an old man named Don Achish Trump, a Philistine moneylender who’s an ancestor of the current president of the United States. Don is trailing his stout and much-younger assistant, who is clearing a path for his boss. They arrive at the back of the crowd as Christ starts speaking.

ASSISTANT: (pushing his way through the crowd): Make way. Clear a path. Make way.

DON: (pushing his assistant): Move it! Coming through! Jesus H. Christ!

JESUS: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth …

DON: (turning to assistant): What did he say?

ASSISTANT: Something about the meek being blessed.

DON: The meek? Blessed?

ASSISTANT: Yeah. He literally said blessed are the meek.

DON: Not possible. Everyone knows the meek are losers. Ask anyone. This guy’s a draw, though. Gotta give him that. (Shoving his assistant in the back) Closer!

JESUS: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy …

DON (starting to sweat heavily): What a terrible venue. Worst ever. We can barely hear him, and it must be 110 degrees out here. He has the worst advance team ever. Worse than Goliath’s. Have these people ever heard of a chair? Closer!

JESUS: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God ...

DON: Maybe he could bless the chairmakers so we could sit. Out of our way!

(They reach the front of the crowd, where they stand 30 feet in front of Jesus.)

DON: Finally. What a mess. Couldn’t somebody have raked these rocks?

JESUS: Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.

DON: What the hell?

ASSISTANT: (whispering to his boss): We know where he lives.

JESUS: You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

DON: What the hell? Enough of this. I’m bored. Let’s go.

(The two leave in the middle of Jesus’ speech. Don and his assistant walk down the mount.)

DON: I don’t get it. People worship this guy, think he walks on water, and all this so-called Jesus Christ guy talks about is how important it is to be stupid, meek and broke.

ASSISTANT: Maybe it’s the hair, sir. He’s got great hair, like you.

DON: Maybe, but would it kill him to use a little product? I don’t get this guy. Jesus is all about socialism, communism, fascism, anarchy, radical-leftist agendas. It’s so obvious he hates capitalism and America. He wants America to be last …

ASSISTANT: Technically, sir, America doesn’t exist yet …

DON (cutting him off): America existed before it ever existed. Everybody knows that. Ask anyone. Now get us out of here. What a dump.