These Times

Some pretty good jokes for most any occasion

Kirk Ericson | Apr 17, 20250

A man walks into a restaurant and picks up the menu. When the maître d’ greets him, she asks, “What can I do for you, sir?”

“I’m thinking about having chicken,” the man says. “How do you prepare your chickens?”

“We don’t do anything special,” the maître d’ says. “We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”

■■■

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was going to keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: Well, if I lost a $150, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. — Emo Philips

■■■

Three old women were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old woman, “What’s three times three?

“274,” the first woman replies.

The doctor says to the second woman, “It’s your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Tuesday,” replies the second woman.

The doctor says to the third woman, “OK, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says the third woman.

“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you know that?”

“Simple,” the woman said. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

■■■

One of our crappy elevators at work broke down the other day with a bunch of us on it, and this guy from marketing says, “I guess we’re going to have to decide who to eat first.” Then I said, “We just did.” — Suzie Lawrence

■■■

Two chickens walk into a library. They approach the librarian and say, “Book, book, book.”

So the librarian gives them three books. The chickens come back a little later and say the same thing, “Book, book, book.” The librarian gives them three books. They come back an hour later and say, “Book, book, book.” He gives them three more books, but this time decides to follow them. The librarian follows them to a pond where they’re tossing the books to a frog. The frog looks at each book and says, “reddit, reddit, reddit.”

■■■

I can’t remember where I saw this cartoon, nor its precise details, but here’s the gist: The cartoon is set in a bedroom where a man is typing feverishly on his computer as he sits at a desk. The woman in the bed says, “Dear? When are you coming to bed?” The man replies, “In a second. I just found something wrong on the internet.”

■■■

A neighbor goes up to Mrs. Jones to complain about Jones’ 10-year-old son.

“He’s been playing doctor with my daughter,” the neighbor says.

“That’s how it’s done,” Mrs. Jones says. “Kids do explore sexuality.”

“Explore sexuality?” the neighbor says. “By removing her gall bladder?”

■■■

I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes. — Sarah Silverman

■■■

As Ole laid on his deathbed, where he knew he would soon die, he smelled a beautiful smell, the smell of rhubarb pie his wife made. He crept downstairs to the kitchen, where he found the pie. As he was about to take a bite, his wife whacked him with a broom.

“Leave it alone,” she said. “That’s for the funeral.”

■■■

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were, you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!’ ‘B-batteries!’ And D-batteries, that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’ ” — Demetri Martin