These Times

Don’t forget: Something’s wrong with you

Kirk Ericson | Mar 13, 20250

“The desire for a larger bottom is becoming more popular, with the number of so-called Brazilian butt lifts more than doubling in the last five years. However, a recent high-profile case involving a doctor in Miami who was banned from operating after the death of a patient during surgery highlights the risks associated with having this procedure. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, the Brazilian butt lift has the highest rate of death of all aesthetic procedures.” — The BBC, Sept. 26, 2024

That such a thing as a Brazilian butt lift exists is a testament to many humans’ unhappiness with their physiques, from the tip of their fungus-crusted tippy toes to the gleaming chrome of their bald dome.

U.S. residents in 2022 spent $26 billion on “both minimally invasive and surgical procedures,” according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. Here are a few of some of the procedures available these days: Nose jobs, liposuction, Botox lip flips, breast augmentation, facelift, brow lift, male breast reduction, butt lifts, hair transplantation, ear pinning and chin augmentation.

It doesn’t end at surgery: “The beauty industry is a key driver of the U.S. economy, generating approximately $94.36 billion in cosmetics and beauty sales in 2023,” according to a 2024 article in Forbes. “Cosmetics and personal care companies employ 4.6 million people directly and indirectly, in areas such as manufacturing, retail, distribution and marketing.”

Shouldn’t it be called the “ugly industry?” Advertisers make people feel ugly, then offer them a solution to the problem they created. Oh? It didn’t make you pretty? Here’s your money back.

We are a vain nation — odd considering so many follow the Bible, a book that preaches the unvirtuousness of vanity. But I’m not immune. When I was in my 30s, my hair started adding too much salt to the pepper, and I began hearing comments: “Gosh, you’re really getting gray” or “I hardly recognized you because of the gray.” Those comments led nowhere, except to hats.

I wouldn’t dye my hair because that would be an admission of vanity, and I’m vain enough to not let people know I’m vain. So, I started wearing a Kangol knit hat I found and the comments ebbed. I’ve continued on with found hats since.

Twenty-five million years ago — give or take a year — the creatures that evolved into the humans we know and love today gave up their tails, according to the science people. Most monkeys kept their tails, but the great apes jettisoned theirs.

Imagine if the great apes had kept their tails and imagine the revenue stream it would create for advertisers. Our nation’s industrial advertising complex would get people to question the appearance of their tails, and then swoop in with pricey solutions (it’s like pounding the enemy’s lines with drones and artillery before sending in ground troops):

Your tail’s too long. It’s too short. It needs straightening. The tuft at the end is too shaggy. The tuft needs to express your personality. Your tail is too fat. It’s too scrawny. You don’t have to suffer from splotchy tail syndrome (STS). How will you attract someone with a tail that looks like that? Perk up your tail with 5 easy exercises! 10 ways to make a better impression with your tail. Celebrities with the best tails. Buy our tail bows! Money back guarantee!

What does your tail say about you? Welcome to America’s Best Tails. Mommy, why are people teasing me about the way my tail looks? What supplements can combat a flagging tail? The Tiger Tail Beauty brush is the best tail brush available, according to three out of four tailologists.

Hoping to seal the deal? Bind your tail with Tiger Tail Cord, available in a variety of colors. Act now! Supplies limited! Two for one!

“The trouble with us in America isn’t that the poetry of life has turned to prose, it’s that it has turned to advertising copy. — Louis Kronenberger, U.S. author