These Times

Random thoughts for a day in May

Kirk Ericson | May 02, 20240

Happiness is merely a momentary suspension of dread.

--------------------------------

Here’s an extreme manifestation of liberalism in America in 2024: Pet owners get angry at you for using the wrong pronoun for their pets.

--------------------------------

The key to a long marriage is making sure your spouse marries the right person.

--------------------------------

You don’t need to lift weights to build muscle mass. The weight of gravity is available to all of us, everywhere, pretty much all the time. Gravity is the universe’s universal gym.

--------------------------------

I was in downtown Olympia recently, waiting to get water from the city’s free-flowing artesian well. I waited my turn behind one other person. Thirty feet beyond us was a woman dancing, maybe in her 20s, moving her arms and swaying her hips, like she was basking in a summer sun at an outdoor concert. It was a little odd because it was rainy and cold, and so early in the day. I thought, “Could this be meth?” In the next moment, the woman declared, loud enough for all to hear, “I’m on methamphetamine!” One’s suspicions in these matters are rarely confirmed so emphatically and so promptly.

--------------------------------

We need to establish a national protocol for those moments when we’re talking to someone on the phone and the call drops. Often, both parties immediately redial, which results in being sent to the other person’s voicemail. Frustration follows. How about this: If a call drops, the person who initiated the call should always be the one responsible for redialing. Let’s get this started. Call your family and friends, and after saying hi, tell them you’ll be the one calling back if the call drops.

--------------------------------

I believe in only one conspiracy theory. It’s just one, but it might be the biggest conspiracy there is. I’ve done my research, so I know for an absolute fact that there are people out there, known and unknown, who are feverishly conspiring to get people to believe in conspiracy theories.

--------------------------------

Imagine waking up from a 30-year-long coma. You turn on the radio to find out what you missed — you know, you want to get caught up. You hear the following ad, which is a real ad I heard on a real radio station (this is the full ad): “Verified traceable answers, secure hallucination-free LLM agnostic. IP liability free. Learn more at C3.ai.” After hearing that, you might want to go back to your coma.

--------------------------------

The word “plate” used to only be used as a noun. “Put your plate down.” “The third baseman was out at the plate.” “I’m late for my job making license plates.” Now it’s being used as a verb, in a most pretentious way. It describes the act of putting food on a plate, as in, “did you plate your mother’s dinner?”

--------------------------------

I get a sneeze out of you

achoo, achoo, achoo

means I love you.

--------------------------------

I don’t have a problem with necrophilia — as long as both parties consent.

--------------------------------

Is an earthquake a mistake?

--------------------------------

Just imagine the marketing opportunities if — by some stroke of magic — people in the United States could be made aware of the date on which they would die.

--------------------------------

What will they do with this space

When I leave this place?

--------------------------------

Did you hear about the virgin beauty queen who was chaste all the time?

--------------------------------

The real law of gravity: Always be serious.

--------------------------------

Has this ever happened to you? You forget something, you try to remember what you forgot, then a few moments later, you forget that you were trying to remember what you forgot — you forgot that you forgot something. Then, maybe you remember that the thing you forgot was that you were trying to remember what you forgot, but you never do remember the initial thing you forgot.