These Times

Improving the wide, wide world of sports

Kirk Ericson | Aug 17, 20230

I’ve wasted enough time watching sports to know how they could be improved. Here, for your consideration, are some ways sporting events could become more entertaining … and violent.

BASEBALL: I’d like to see a pitcher, just once, admit he hit a batter on purpose. Now they’re cagey about it, saying stuff like, “I didn’t mean to hit him, but you know, you’ve got to back up your teammates. You’ve got to send a message.” Sports announcers and reporters then repeat it and let the obvious lie go because, you know, it’s part of baseball. Just once I’d like to hear this: “Yeah, I hit him on purpose, and I’ll throw at him next chance I get. My only regret is I didn’t hit him higher in the ribs. Next time.” Also, I’d like to see a player who is a Satanist hit a home run, circle the bases and when he gets to home plate, have him point to the ground and blow kisses. In a post-game interview, he could say, “I guess Satan was looking up at me today.”

CURLING: It seems such a polite sport, so wouldn’t it be riveting if a brawl broke out between the two teams? The fellows with the stones could slide their rocks and bowl their opponents over like pins in a bowling alley, and the ones with the brooms could face off like samurai. Anybody left standing could take running slides at each other. I generally don’t countenance violence, but I’d make an exception with curling.

SOCCER: It should be OK to pull down another player’s shorts. Getting pantsed is what it was called in grade school. Imagine the broadcaster: “Oh my! We’ve got Karl Heinz Vormelker with his shorts down! But wait, he gets off a perfect cross! It’s in the air — he’s got a man! It’s a goal! Goal! Goal! What a cross by Vormelker! And with his pants down! What a player!” Note: Each team gets one pantsing per half.

FOOTBALL: I’d like to see the goalpost moved to the front of the end zone, like it used to be. That way you’d have those wide receivers running top speed into the post. I miss that. I like it when linemen get their face masks entangled while they’re brawling, so helmet manufacturers should be encouraged to create helmets that promote such entanglements.

HOCKEY: The penalty box should have a more shameful atmosphere, so I propose putting a retired Catholic third-grade school teacher armed with a yardstick in the penalty box with the offender. For two minutes, the player would have to listen to the ex-teacher’s harangue: “I told you this would happen. How many times do I have to tell you not to high-stick? Hey! Listen to me, mister! If you keep this up, the two of us will have a little chat with your parents!”

BASKETBALL: All the refs should have a financial interest in the outcome of the game, not just one. That way, you’d get three refs trying to overcome the biased calls of the other two. What bedlam that would be. Also, I’d make it so celebrities with court-side seats wouldn’t be allowed to wipe themselves off after a sweaty player falls into their laps. If they don’t let the player’s sweat fully dry on their skin, they’d have to exchange seats with someone in a rafter seat.

RACE CAR DRIVING: For social improvement and entertainment reasons, I propose that drivers must drink pure grain alcohol every time they make a pit stop. If it’s Formula One racing, we could substitute something vintage from Château Lafite Rothschild. The rule would be: For as long as the gasoline goes in, so would the booze. If they can drive fast, they can drink fast. And what better way to illustrate the dangers of drinking and driving than by having a bunch of drunken racers plow into each other and the wall? This could happen: “Good God! Kyle Busch has his right turn signal on! He’s not going to take a right, is he? Oh my God! He did! It’s a right, right into the wall!”