I'm sorry mistakes were made (and I got caught)

The scene: A member of Congress caught in a scandal appears on a television outlet that he hopes will treat him with sympathy.

Congressman: I’d like to take this opportunity at this time to express my acknowledgment for a recent situation where I didn’t exercise the sound judgment that the people of America deserve from their elected officials. I regret the events that transpired on the night of Oct. 22, and if anyone should take offense at my behavior, I humbly apologize to them, but I think we can all agree that our focus should be on serving the American people in these most uncertain times. That’s where my focus is.

TV host: Sir, a tape taken from a surveillance camera at the National Zoo clearly shows you breaking down the zoo’s locked gate with your car at 2:17 a.m. on Oct. 22 … viewers, you can see the time and date stamp in the upper right corner. The tape shows that you’re driving and that you’re alone in the car. The tape further shows you crashing into a sno-cone stand before you stop in front of the enclosure for the giant pandas, Ling Ling and Bling Bling. The tape then shows you exiting the car, taking a long drink from a bottle of Cruzan rum — let’s zoom in on the label there — and then throwing the empty bottle at the enclosure while you yell, ‘China spies!’ repeatedly. You then open the trunk of your car, retrieve what looks like a sawed-off shotgun and proceed to shoot and kill both pandas. The tape shows you reloading three times. After your fourth volley, D.C. police arrive and you’re heard on an audio recording provided by the police saying, ‘Yeah, I shot the pandas. So what? I shoot lots of stuff.’ Now, sir, I have two questions for you: In your prepared statement you said, ‘If anyone should take offense at my behavior.’ Sir, can you imagine anyone not taking offense at someone killing animals at the National Zoo? And question two, how can the American people ever trust you again?

Congressman: Listen. I’m not here to defend the behavior exhibited on the night in question. Admittedly, mistakes were made. But I pledge to the American people I’ll work hard to regain their trust. Believe me, I’d like nothing better than to answer these questions with more specificity, but the case is under investigation and I don’t want to prejudge the outcome while the process unfolds.

TV host: Is it true you shot a zebra in Philadelphia last month?

Congressman: In Philadelphia? Categorically no.

TV host: Do you think you might have a drinking problem?

Congressman: We’re done.

The scene: A boy, 10, and his father stand next to a broken living room window. The boy’s baseball lies amid the shards of glass.

Dad: Wyatt! You broke the window!

Wyatt: I’m sorry that I failed to correctly judge the wind, distance and direction and that the ball made contact with the window.

Dad: You broke the window. This is the fourth time, and the second time you’ve broken this window. I’ve told you time and again to be more careful.

Wyatt: I take full responsibility for the damage to the glass.

Dad: Does that mean you’ll pay to have the window fixed?

Wyatt: How much?

Dad: Around $200.

Wyatt: Actually, Dad, how about if I just work hard to regain your trust?

Author Bio

Kirk Ericson, Columnist / Proofreader

Shelton-Mason County Journal & Belfair Herald
email: [email protected]