Having historical figures over for dinner

Kirk Ericson | Apr 14, 20220

If you could have four dead people of historical importance to dinner, who would you invite? The rules are they wouldn’t be dead at dinner, you can’t invite Hitler (who wants to hear “Hitler’s here!”) and they would leave by 9 so you’d have time to clean and get to bed at a proper hour.

Let’s imagine our guests are William Shakespeare, Joan of Arc, Franz Kafka and Socrates …

Joan of Arc arrives at the house first, followed by Shakespeare and Kafka, who came in an Uber. Both appear to have been drinking. Socrates is 20 minutes late — he got into a fistfight with his limo driver.

ME: Finally, we’re all here! Welcome! Let me introduce everyone. This is William Shakespeare, English poet and playwright. That’s Joan of Arc, French military leader slash heretic slash saint. This is Franz Kafka, the existential novelist from Prague, and Socrates, well, I don’t think he needs any introduction.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh? T’is I who need an introduction?

SOCRATES: I’m older than you.

ME: Sorry. No offense. Let’s all sit down.

(They sit at the dining room table.)

JOAN OF ARC: You’re serving barbecued steak? To Joan of Arc? Uh...

ME: OK, let’s eat. Hey! Anyone know the time?

SHAKESPEARE: Celestial Standard Time or Pacific?

ME: Very funny.

JOAN OF ARC: It’s 7.

ME: Oh. (I grab the TV remote) Mind if we watch ‘The Simpsons?’

SHAKESPEARE: ‘The Simpsons?’

SOCRATES: I must make the same inquiry.

KAFKA: It’s a TV show and it’s fantastic. I watch it all the time on Disney+.

ME: We’ll watch it on FXX. I don’t have Disney+

KAFKA: Darn. Disney is my favorite plus.

ME: It’s a fantastic show, and this episode is one of my favorites. The young boy Bart sells his soul to his best friend.

KAFKA: You’re kidding me! That’s one of my favorites too!

ME: Really? (Pointing my fork at Kafka) You’re OK.

(The TV plays “The Simpsons” opening sequence.)

SOCRATES: I’m confused. You …

ME: Shush!

SOCRATES: I must insist. You brought us here for one of the finest gatherings of historical figures in history and you’re making us watch this idiocy?

KAFKA: Hey! Shut your pie hole! You haven’t even seen it yet.

ME: Franz is right. If you can’t be quiet, go somewhere else.

SOCRATES: Fine! I didn’t drink hemlock for this.

(Socrates throws his napkin on the table and stomps out the door.)

JOAN OF ARC: Good. He’s a polytheist anyway.

KAFKA: I’m an atheist.

JOAN OF ARC: Still?

ME: Shh!

(‘The Simpsons” episode starts. Conversation resumes during a commercial break.)

KAFKA: The notion of a commoditized soul is an absurdist indictment of this culture’s fixation on financial wealth. I like what your poet Gary Snyder said in this regard: ‘True affluence is not needing anything.’

JOAN OF ARC: I once needed a fire extinguisher.

ME: Quiet you two.

(The show resumes. Kafka and Joan of Arc laugh often, but Shakespeare is quiet — he’s writing a play on every available dinner napkin. The show ends.)

ME: Wasn’t that great? Wasn’t that funny?

KAFKA: Sure was. I think the best line was when Bart said, “I AM familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.”

SHAKESPEARE: (Looking up from his now-finished play) Huh?

JOAN OF ARC: The reason that’s funny is because no 10-year-old boy in the United States would be familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

ME: Yes indeed. Everybody quiet again. ‘South Park’ is on next.